Getting back into the dating scene after losing a partner is never easy. For many widowers, the thought of loving again is just too daunting and so they end up putting their dating life on hold indefinitely. The pain of losing a spouse is still very raw and they’re often not ready to move on.
However, there are widowers out there who are ready to find love again and if you’re lucky enough to meet one, then you should count yourself fortunate. But before you get into a serious relationship with a widower, there are certain things and warning signs that you need to be aware of.
The Horrors of Dating a Widower
Think about it – a widower is someone who has already been through the worst possible experience in a relationship. They’ve had to endure the pain and grief of losing the person they loved most and it’s not something they would want to go through again, so the idea of playing the dating game isn’t often considered.
Widowers often have trust issues and may be suspicious of your motives, especially if you’re much younger than them. They may also be very guarded and closed off emotionally, which can make it difficult to get close to them.
On the other side of the spectrum, some of them may be too clingy and needy, as they’re afraid of being alone.
It’s safe to say that considering a relationship with these individuals is not for the faint of heart. If you have a short fuse or rushing to get settled down, it’s best to take a hike. Widowers need a lot of time, patience, and understanding – things that not everyone is willing to give. Often times their self-esteem can appear very low and because of that their mental health could suffer as well.
If you notice that your potential partner is feeling blue or torn, try to show them some love with a lovely gesture.
If you’re wondering about whether or not you’re jumping into a bad situation, here are a few red flags to watch out for:
He hides you from his family and friends
Has it been a few months down the road and you still haven’t met any of his family or friends? That’s not a positive sign. While it’s perfectly normal for widowers to take their time introducing their new partner to their inner circle, if he’s deliberately keeping you hidden, it could be because he’s not ready to let go of his late wife or he’s ashamed of the fact that he has a romantic partner again.
It’s common for most widowers to be concerned about how their late wife’s family will react to them dating again. However, if he’s skipped most Thanksgiving dinners and Christmas Eve parties with the family during the entire duration of your relationship, you need to have a conversation with him.
Ask him why he’s keeping you hidden and if he has any intention of introducing you to his loved ones. If all that comes out of him are a slew of flimsy excuses and he still refuses to budge, then you might want to rethink things. This is not an indicator of a loving relationship.
You are not a mistress, so do you think you honestly deserve to feel like his dirty little secret?
As the old saying goes, “Actions speak louder than words”. So, watch carefully if he’s acting like he doesn’t value or respect you by excluding you from his social life. It might be more telling than you realize.
For every nonsensical reason that he gives you, there’s likely a hidden agenda behind it. Whatever it is, he needs to be honest with you about it.
If all else fails and he still dodges all your questions and refuses to change things, save yourself the trouble and move on. You deserve a healthy relationship!
You remind him of his late wife
This might be one of the biggest relationship problems with a widower and this is one of the most common complaints that widowers have about their new partners. It’s not uncommon for them to say things like, “You cook just like her”, or “You have the same sense of humor”.
While it’s flattering to think that you remind him of his late wife in a good way, it can also be a major turnoff. It can make you feel like you’re being compared and that you’ll never measure up. What’s more, it can also make you feel like he’s not over her yet and that he’s still holding onto the past. The difficult part here for you is to avoid trying to feel offended.
What used to be, “You sound just like her,” may eventually become, “Why can’t you be more like her?” If you find yourself in this situation, it’s best to have a heart-to-heart talk with your partner about it before it gets out of hand and tell them that you don’t appreciate being compared to their late spouse.
Tell them how his words make you feel and ask them why he keeps comparing you to his late wife. Be ready to stand your ground and don’t let them steamroll over you. If he’s not willing to acknowledge anything and see you as an individual instead of just a carbon copy of their late partner, then it’s not worth it.
It’s not fair to you and it’ll only cause unnecessary friction in the relationship. If they love you for who you are, they won’t need to compare you to anyone else.
He can’t stop talking about his late wife
Widowers are often guilty of this. Every conversation seems to revolve around his dead wife in some way, shape, or form. It can be incredibly frustrating and off-putting, to say the least. You start to feel like you’re living in her shadow and that you’ll never be able to measure up to her. After a while, it gets old hearing about how perfect she was and how much he loved her.
There are occasions when they don’t even realize they’re doing it. It’s just a natural part of their grieving process. They need to talk about his deceased wife to keep her memory alive and to process their grief. If that’s the case, cut him a bit of slack.
It’s hard to tell why he’s doing it, but if he’s fixated on his late wife to the point where he can’t even function normally and focus on your needs, then it might be time to have a serious talk with him. It’s not healthy for either of you. He needs to learn how to live in the present and not dwell on the past too much, especially if it’s affecting you and your committed relationship with him.
It’s always about his late wife
There’s a difference between talking about her occasionally and pointing out how everything reminds him of her. It’s one thing if he mentions his wife’s death in passing or tells you a story about her that’s relevant to the conversation. It’s another thing entirely if he can’t go five minutes without bringing her up.
You hear about her over and over for long enough, you feel like you just want to scream. It’s not that you don’t want to hear about her forever, but there’s a time and a place for it. Most days, you can’t do anything anymore without his daily dose of, “She used to love this,” or, “She used to do that.”
When a deceased spouse occupies every waking thought, it’s beyond unhealthy. Arguments over anything and everything quickly turns into, “Well, my late wife used to do this,” or “My late wife used to say that.” It’s a crutch he’s using to avoid dealing with the issues at hand. You start to wonder if he actually does love you or if he’s just using you as an emotional replacement for his late wife.
Don’t wait around for him to change on his own. Trust that you will never get used to the constant obsessing and comparison game. Photos of her will never cease to be a thing and you’ll always feel like the other woman. Sit down with him and simply talk. Tell him how you feel and see if he can accept that you are not her and she is not you.
He still can’t see a future with you
Say you managed to work through all of the above with him and things are going well. There’s just one problem: a future with you is not as bright as it should be. He can’t seem to picture you in his future, no matter how much you try or how perfect you are for him.
Months, maybe even years, have gone by and you’re still stuck in the present. It feels like he’s just stringing you along until someone better comes along. It’s not that he doesn’t want a future with you, but every time he tries to envision it, he sees his late wife instead.
After you’ve invested so much time, effort, and emotion into the relationship, it can be heartbreaking to realize he’ll never see you as anything more than a placeholder in his life.
It has nothing to do with you, but what’s the point? When a widower is truly in love with you, he’ll do everything in his power to build a future with you. He’ll want to spend the rest of his life with you and make all sorts of plans. At this point, if memories of her are preventing him from doing that, there is not much that can be done.
The Positives of Dating a Widower
Cheer up – it’s not all doom and gloom! While there are some definite downsides to widower relationships, there are also some wonderful things about it, too. It’s important to remember that widowers are people who have loved and have been loved. These people have been happily married at some point. Think of it as a headstart on a great relationship.
As painful as it is to lose a spouse, know that it also gives widowers a deep understanding of love and its importance. They know first-hand how precious life is and how quickly it can be taken away. You can never unlearn how to love unconditionally. As a result, widowers often appreciate their partners more and are more inclined to show it, both emotionally and physically.
Widowers are also typically more open and honest about their feelings than other men. They’re not afraid to tell you how they feel, whether it’s good or bad. They are fully aware that communication is key to a lasting relationship and are more likely to work on issues as they arise instead of letting them fester.
Last but not least, widowers are often very giving people. They understand what it’s like to go through tough times and are more likely to be there for their partners when things get tough. They’re compassionate, understanding, and patient – all qualities that make for a great partner.
Sounds exciting? It can be! When both sides are open and honest about what they’re looking for, a widower can make the best partners. Just remember to take things slow, be patient, and communicate often.
During this journey, it’s important to help yourself as well. Don’t rely on your partner to provide all the support you need. The process hurts and you are entitled to seek out a therapist, a relationship coach, or a support group if you feel like you need someone to talk to outside of the relationship.
Signs That Confirm a Widower is Ready to Date Again
Widowers often have a tough time moving on because they’re not sure if they’re ready to start dating. They might want to, but they just don’t know if their late wife would approve or how their family and friends will react.
Of course, only the widower can decide when he’s ready to date again. However, some things indicate he might be getting there. If you see any of the following, it’s a healthy sign that both of you are on the right track:
He’s no longer angry at the world or his late wife
Grief can manifest itself in different ways, and one of them is anger. If the widower you’re dating is no longer angry, it’s a good sign that he’s starting to accept what happened and is ready to move on. Being with a miserable person can drain the life out of you, and no one wants that.
When things first start, it’s normal for the widower to still be angry. Just know that it’s not directed at you and give him some time. Try to be understanding and supportive, and things will eventually get better.
He pursues you consistently
Every woman dreams of being pursued by a man, and widowers are no different. The dates, the flowers, the little surprises – it’s all part of the chase! Pat yourself on the back because it means he’s invested in the relationship and is serious about you.
Anyone who has ever lost a loved one knows that grief can be all-consuming. It’s easy to become wrapped up in your pain and forget about the outside world. When your widower shows that he’s trying his best to overcome the sad times and pursue you, you’re in a great position. Consistency builds trust and respect – if he only pursues you sporadically, it might just be a rebound relationship.
He includes you in his life
It’s not uncommon to encounter a widower who’s not ready to let anyone into his life just yet. As with any relationship, it takes time to get to know someone and feel comfortable enough to truly let them in.
Once he starts making plans that include you, take it as a massive green flag. It means he trusts you enough to make new memories with him and is confident in the relationship. No matter what, there is never an excuse for him to make you feel isolated. Yes, things take time, but if he’s genuinely interested, he’ll at least try to include you as much as possible.
He’s no longer attached to material possessions belonging to his late wife
This one is a bit tricky because it’s not always easy to tell. Some widowers might keep their late wife’s things around as a way to cope with emotional intimacy, and there’s nothing wrong with that. However, if he throws a huge fit whenever you try to move or change anything, it’s a sign that he’s not ready to let go just yet.
“Don’t touch that! That was my wife’s!”
“I can’t believe you would try to change anything in here. She loved this room just the way it was.”
If you hear something like this, it’s a definite red flag. But if his former spouse has left behind items that feel more like sentimental keepsakes in the house rather than landmines that you have to tip-toe around, he’s probably doing alright.
It takes two to tango
At the end of the day, it takes more than one person to make a meaningful relationship work. Just because he’s ready doesn’t mean you have to be – and vice versa. After all, dating a widower or not, love always has its challenges.
You have to understand that widowers need time to take things slowly and that the healing process looks different for everyone. It’s not fair for you to go around expecting him to act a certain way or be at a certain point in his grieving process. Just take things one day at a time and help him navigate.
Above all, don’t put pressure on yourself or him. This relationship will only work if it’s meant to be, so try to relax and enjoy the ride. Forcing things will only lead to heartache down the road and you don’t want to add more to his plate than he can handle. If you are certain this man is the one, trust that things will fall into place in due time.
Do you have any experience dating a widower? If this article resonated with you, you probably have more questions about your dating life. MingleTips has got you covered – head on over to our blog for more dating advice and tips!
